Sunday, February 24, 2008

there's a hole in the bottom of the sea.

i am not particularly strong, but i wake up everyday to work and play.

though not what i consider handsome, i can look at myself in the mirror each morning and not vomit, most times. maybe i'm just too close.

at times i am at peace with the world. don't know what brings it on but the hole in the pit of mt stomach is replaced with contentment and a knowing that everything will be alright. with nothing changing externally hope arrives with no apparent reason. here i go quoting Robert Fripp again but how apt an aphorism-

"In desperate times, a reasonable person might despair; but hope is unreasonable, and love is greater even than this."

this would explain much in my life.

horrible people run the country yet i have so much hope for it and us. in my last post i wrote of the concept of a soul mate for me, not yet but here's hoping. though not by one singular person, i do feel loved. there are hard times ahead. there will always be difficulties. i deal with them with the hope that things will be better. unreasonable? yes. do what's right and good comes.

that's all i have for now.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Weeping at beauty

There's cause to weep
at beauty
when something so perfectly
reflects the presence of God
like strong eyes
or silence
or knowing a glimpse of Truth

As there's cause to laughter
and cause for pain
each as valid as
weeping at beauty
but alas- tears of joy
evaporate before
hitting the floor.

Friday, February 15, 2008

More love.

Been working on my myspace page and the "middle bit" of Lauren Garbo began to play. My mind wandered back to the days when i wrote the song- days of innocence and exploration. The lyric is about waiting for my soul mate. I was convinced that everyone has a single "love of my life". Though at the time my freedom of spirit led me to going quickly from one girlfriend to another and occasionally beginning one before finishing with another. Guess i was a womaniser. Most likely just just young and stupid and selfish. Haven't found my soul mate yet. Perhaps i have, and tossed her aside for a prettier face. Looking back, there are at least 5 that fall into that category. Not to brag here but we're talking dozens of relationships from one night stands to those that lasted years. Why am i spilling all this now at the tender age of 50?

I don't know if i still feel that way about finding a soul mate. I want to believe it. For a long time i went in quite the opposite direction- that even if there is "one" person out there, it is of no consiquence. Should we meet up in this life, all the better but if not- it wasn't meant to be. But even that is living under the supposition that that person does indeed exist. As i write this i'm waffeling on that question- and believing most likely not.

Not long ago i thought i had indeed met her. I met "her" before. She had a different name then. Her first name was Mare, then Karen, then Alison, then Charlotte, then Pam, then on anon...

Since getting sober in 1988 my relationships have gotten fewer but more long-lasting. In the long stretches between I have become quite comfortable on my own. If i can't be with myself how can i expect someone to want to be with me? Besides- i have more time for music and work and more work and- waitaminute- if i have so much time for all that work why can't the time be shared with someone else? This is the crux- that someone has to want to... i can't make someone want to be with me.

Maybe one day someone will. Maybe not. La di da.

"... i know for sure you're out there
can't you feel my spirit bleed?
just to know that you exist is all i need."
lyrics for Laren Garbo by Dominic Schaeffer 1978

This pondering comes to you as a result of Hope. Robert Fripp has stated "there are times when reasonable people might despair. But hope is unreasonable, and love is greater than this..."