there's a hole in the bottom of the sea.

i am not particularly strong, but i wake up everyday to work and play.

though not what i consider handsome, i can look at myself in the mirror each morning and not vomit, most times. maybe i'm just too close.

at times i am at peace with the world. don't know what brings it on but the hole in the pit of mt stomach is replaced with contentment and a knowing that everything will be alright. with nothing changing externally hope arrives with no apparent reason. here i go quoting Robert Fripp again but how apt an aphorism-

"In desperate times, a reasonable person might despair; but hope is unreasonable, and love is greater even than this."

this would explain much in my life.

horrible people run the country yet i have so much hope for it and us. in my last post i wrote of the concept of a soul mate for me, not yet but here's hoping. though not by one singular person, i do feel loved. there are hard times ahead. there will always be difficulties. i deal with them with the hope that things will be better. unreasonable? yes. do what's right and good comes.

that's all i have for now.

Weeping at beauty

There's cause to weep
at beauty
when something so perfectly
reflects the presence of God
like strong eyes
or silence
or knowing a glimpse of Truth

As there's cause to laughter
and cause for pain
each as valid as
weeping at beauty
but alas- tears of joy
evaporate before
hitting the floor.

More love.

Been working on my myspace page and the "middle bit" of Lauren Garbo began to play. My mind wandered back to the days when i wrote the song- days of innocence and exploration. The lyric is about waiting for my soul mate. I was convinced that everyone has a single "love of my life". Though at the time my freedom of spirit led me to going quickly from one girlfriend to another and occasionally beginning one before finishing with another. Guess i was a womaniser. Most likely just just young and stupid and selfish. Haven't found my soul mate yet. Perhaps i have, and tossed her aside for a prettier face. Looking back, there are at least 5 that fall into that category. Not to brag here but we're talking dozens of relationships from one night stands to those that lasted years. Why am i spilling all this now at the tender age of 50?

I don't know if i still feel that way about finding a soul mate. I want to believe it. For a long time i went in quite the opposite direction- that even if there is "one" person out there, it is of no consiquence. Should we meet up in this life, all the better but if not- it wasn't meant to be. But even that is living under the supposition that that person does indeed exist. As i write this i'm waffeling on that question- and believing most likely not.

Not long ago i thought i had indeed met her. I met "her" before. She had a different name then. Her first name was Mare, then Karen, then Alison, then Charlotte, then Pam, then on anon...

Since getting sober in 1988 my relationships have gotten fewer but more long-lasting. In the long stretches between I have become quite comfortable on my own. If i can't be with myself how can i expect someone to want to be with me? Besides- i have more time for music and work and more work and- waitaminute- if i have so much time for all that work why can't the time be shared with someone else? This is the crux- that someone has to want to... i can't make someone want to be with me.

Maybe one day someone will. Maybe not. La di da.

"... i know for sure you're out there
can't you feel my spirit bleed?
just to know that you exist is all i need."
lyrics for Laren Garbo by Dominic Schaeffer 1978

This pondering comes to you as a result of Hope. Robert Fripp has stated "there are times when reasonable people might despair. But hope is unreasonable, and love is greater than this..."

From Gore to Edwards to Biden...

this is my reply to a post on Democratic Underground asking-

tsegat01 (1000+ posts)

Mon Nov-26-07 06:52 PM Original message

Have you changed candidates and why?

Just curious. I've encountered a number of people who have switched candidates for various reasons. Some were disappointed in something their original choice had done or said, whereas others became more impressed with another candidate.

Gore was, and still is, the only person for the job. If he ran 3rd party I would drop my affiliation with the Democratic Party in a heartbeat. There are millions of us out here and Al knows it. He would split the party apart and would never do that. A pity, really. As much as a multi-party system is needed here, to do it now would be an automatic win for the GOP. So I'm left supporting Al Gore in all his works as "diplomat on the world stage"... and I DO support Gore in ALL his works and decisions- but DAMN IT, AL... WE NEED YOU!!! NOW!!!". Okay- three deep breaths and one foot in front of the other...

sigh... anyways-

Edwards looked good for a time but, honestly- I feel that he was speaking from sound bites and not from the heart. All candidates do the sound-bite thing to a certain degree and that's fine, but after a while it gets old to me and the more a candidate can get past it and go for the crux of the issues, the more secure I feel in making a choice about who to give my support. I have always been distrusting of the main-stream media telling me who the "front-runner" is- Hillary, Barrack and John Edwards. Up and down, back and forth, ahead then behind... the horse race with no substance. Ehh. Not to mention that I'm a hopeless romantic when it comes to the "come from behind underdog". My support for Howard Dean in 2004 was unshakable. Then I saw Joe Biden give the Jefferson-Jackson Dinner speech. WOW!

Until then (and even still to a degree) I saw Biden as a "go along to get along" guy. Like when Randi Rhodes asked him why he couldn't call GWB for what he is- a liar. Biden replied that that was the hardest thing for him to do. A totally political cover your ass response. The Bartcop graphic of Biden dancing with Leahy and Kerry in the pink tutu's comes to mind.









But that happened years ago. I'm a sucker for a second chance.

At the J-J Dinner Joe talked like a human being. He spoke of issues and he spoke of the deep trouble we as a nation are in. Pulling no punches, he spoke truth to power. He did not strike me as someone who could be bought. Sure, some of his solutions are not the ones I would personally choose, but he's actually speaking to important issues that the other three are not.

But hey- this is what the process is all about- wheat from chaff. When the party selects it's nominee, he or she will get my vote. Period. I'm a tree-stump Democrat.

"No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There's too much work to do!" Dorothy Day

Blues

i grew up on old Vanguard label blues records. todays equivalent of iTunes for American Music collections. Bukka White, Son House, John Hurt and others were faves. on one of the collections the liner notes were written by a guy named Leroy Jodie Pierson.

as a cook at The Broadway Oyster Bar, on Saturday nights there was a blues band that played on the stage/patio directly outside the kitchen door. i loved the raw, real country delta blues sound they had. "who are those guitar players?" "oh, that's Leroy." "but who's the other one?".... "oh, that's Leroy."

yup, Leroy Pierson, Russ Horneyer on bass and Geoff Sietz on drums.

i sat in with them a few times in a period of my life when playing music was a long distance love. drink and all that accompanies it were my companions in my basement apartment dwelling. guess you could say i was "living the blues".

but the blues is more than that. the blues helped me out of my depths. the blues let me play saxophone again. though i certainly sucked at the time, i knew enough to play a cliche or two. on 31, December 1987 i made the grandiose decision to quit drinking. no 30-day hospital stay, just straight to A.A. to try "90 meetings-in-90-days". on 15, April i bravely set foot into my old stomping grounds, ready to split if i got nervous, but anxious to play. i had phoned Russ earlier that evening at home and asked if he'd mind if i sat in- "Yeah that'd be great- just don't show up drunk!". Leroy spotted me from the stage and at the next song beckoned. "C'mon up, boy! Ladies and Gentlemen, i wanna bring up the dog bwah to play- this is a special day for him and we'd like to congratulate him on 90 days"... no one in the crowd had any idea what he was talking about but all the employees and band members did and it was thrilling. Leroy said "we're gonna play a tune by the great Gregory Isaacs called 'The Lonely Lover'... and i leaped into an opening line on the saxophone that i play to this day. an awesome gift from the blues. yeah sure- it's a reggae tune but what is reggae but the blues with a skanky beat?

i played with the Leroy Pierson Band through many incarnations. we played country blues, rock-a-billy, ska and reggae. Leroy was/is a wealth of knowledge and i learned so much about roots music from him. the old delta blues (as opposed to the more modern electric Memphis or Chicago style) was an early influence on my tastes in music.

some twelve years or so back our family was gathered for Christmas at my sisters in Oakland. i was sifting through her LP collection, finding many of the wonderful records i grew up with when i happened upon "The Great Blues Men". opening the double album i found the extensive liner notes were written by Leroy Jodie Pierson!

Please read this wonderful interview of Leroy Pierson by Micheal Kuelker

the Leroy Pierson Band Re-union at The Broadway Oyster Bar with (L-R) Russel Horneyer- bass, Dominic Schaeffer- sax, The Reverend Craig Spellmeyer- drums, Leroy Pierson- guitar and Ken MacSwan- guitar.

photo by Kathy Horneyer

My Good Heart

Mon Bon Coeur

the sun is higher in the sky
these days
my thoughts a little lighter
mornings not so long to come
these days

the wind is softer in the air
these days
my heart a little warmer
time alone not that impossible to bear
these days

that little something extra
the icing on the cake
you pretty you
mon couer entier

not that long ago
it seemed so far way
but i find that it’s right here
to take with me when i go

take me with you
you pretty you
mon coeur entier
take me along

when i must leave
you're here with me
where ever i might wander
you are always here
mon bon coeur

December 9th, 2006

Robert Fripp is playing tonight in Madison, WI so i thought i would post the poem i wrote after he played here in St. Louis last year and my life changed.


120906

in the basement i found life
possible to bare my soul to all
with no one person really watching.
oh, they see okay but they aren’t watching.

callous hands rub lightly love
i like that.
find myself home.

looking so long i never thought i’d find it.
but there it is, before me, joyous, quizzical, loving.
I know this is it.
easy to keep.
hard to imagine.

it rained that night. too many tickets in my pocket.
one man, one show, one guitar,
the feeling of monumental change about to occur.
but the happening itself so minute
if i blink
i might miss it.

a sense of presence. i was in the moment
the here and now of there and then
could be, who knows,
the street lights glistened
driving to that place in time.
so fragile a moment like this.
breath wrong and it breaks.
but the gasp that results when you realize
it’s happening- reflected in the silence
as i drove there in my car.

paying the way for four others
i descended the stairs to destiny.
with soul bared to the event,
i waited.
the light went down around me
the anticipation waxed as
the roomful greeted the vessel with applause.
He kissed the instrument
and placing it over his shoulders
rang the bells at the threshold to creation.